They seem to go hand in hand.  Lots of people celebrate the anniversary of their birth, especially those that are multiples of ten, by looking over the path they have taken.  We celebrate wedding anniversaries and mourn the anniversaries of the passing of those we love. It was on the tenth anniversary of my father’s death that my mother’s health began to decline.  Within six months, she was gone.  My brother and I wondered then, as I still wonder, if she felt like she had done her due diligence and hung on the extra decade to keep an eye on  “the kids”. But when the box had been checked, she did her evaluation and decided on a different course.  And so things go.

We are in the midst of anniversaries.   Just over a year ago, we left Virginia and nearly a year ago we arrived in Missouri.  And so the evaluation process is in full swing. We had lots of “first of the lasts” a year ago (last time at this restaurant, last time with that friend, etc.) and now we are approaching the “last of the firsts” in our new abode (first time finding decent local wine, first time sitting in traffic, etc.) Frank is (somewhat grumpily) working for his first summer in over a decade and wondering why he’s bitter about it.  I am overwhelmed with everything I have been able to achieve at work and dismayed by the things that haven’t worked out otherwise.  And yet, the evaluation says things are good and that we are now really home.

How do I know? Because I’ve had to evaluate my thinking toward friends and family.  Especially family.  Not in a drastic way but there has been a subtle shift in my understanding and appreciation of my own myopia.  Let me explain.

For the last month, we have thoroughly enjoyed having Duncan “stay” with us.  He has graduated and hasn’t yet decided on the next challenge so hanging out with mom and dad is the natural, and cheapest, option.  So he loaded most of his belongings into “Steve” (his 1993 Honda Civic – because everyone’s first car should be from the year they were born.  It keeps things in perspective.) and prepared to head west.  Frank flew east and the two of them drove from DC to KC, having a “boys trip”. It’s ~1100 miles which they could have done in two days but apparently it takes four days when you get stuck on the Bourbon Trail in Kentucky….

We have been treating the last few weeks as a visit.  He has been viewing it as living with mom and dad.  The difference?  When people visit, you go out of your way to spend as much time with them as you can, eschewing normal routines and being extra polite to your “guests”.  When you have some one live with you, they don’t necessarily see things as a guest would. So leaving damp towels on the floor of “their” room is okay.  As is sleeping until noon, dirtying every pot or pan in the kitchen, and leaving their shoes wherever. Not that any of this is wrong or bad (we still love you Duncan!) but it’s not how “guests” behave. It’s how family behaves when they live with you.

So in the midst of all the other evaluations comes the realization that we’ve been trying too hard.  We’ve been very aware of the fact that our decision to move here had implications for the “kids” and have gone out of our way to make them happy when they “visit.”  We were really worried they wouldn’t like KC.  Duncan has had a month “staying” with us – including entertaining friends from high school who were passing through – and has survived quite well.  And now we realize that we don’t need to sell them on our new home town as long as we are sold.  And we are.

So now Duncan has headed out on the Great American Camping trip and will spend the next month hitting as many National Parks west of the Mississippi as he can before he starts working. (Don’t ask where – there are two jobs in contention and the decision hasn’t been made yet.) And we spent all day cleaning the house, as one does after the guests leave, and have made the correction to our thinking.  We still love visitors, we still want you to come see us!  We are looking forward to Jesse’s next visit in a few weeks. We want to see more friends and family. We will still show off our new home town and hope you will leave with the same feeling that others had – namely “I had no idea KC was so _____”.  But now we won’t be as concerned with whether or not the opinion is a good one.  We hit the anniversary, we did the evaluation.  We are happy.